Wow… it has been a LONG time since I have written here and I apologize for that. I have been busy trying to get my own life under control before I can try to give to other people. But recently I spent some time in the hospital, and by some time I mean 21 full days in the hospital and it sucked. Why was I in the hospital? Well if you read the title of this post you can probably guess why… the cancer came back. It is not in my liver this time, but my lungs.
This was discovered when I had back pain and I had an X-Ray done to see if there was anything wrong with my back but it turns out it was my lung filled with liquid.
I dropped out of school because of the pain and I didn’t know what the future held for the symptoms I was facing. Putting my life on pause. I had so much planned out for the next 365 and all of it was just put on pause because of this. I was getting upset and confused on what the future may hold for me.
So I had a procedure to drain the liquid and I wish it ended there. After I had the liquid drained, I had pain in my legs, chest, and arms. My joints swelled up and I had a terrible time walking and just standing. My arms were so sore I couldn’t move them or turn my wrists over to grab something. I was a medical mystery… again. I was admitted to the hospital for pain and the doctors didn’t know what to do. (Which is always encouraging)
For days and days I was getting upset at the doctors for not figuring out what was wrong and the pain was getting worse and worse. I was feeling defeated again. But this time was different than the liver transplant though. When the transplant recovery process was happening and something went wrong I could physically see where and why the pain was happening. I had physical and tangible evidence of the pain, and this time I didn’t. It was all internal, and I couldn’t see why bad things were happening to me. I couldn’t point to an area and say “this hurts” or “This is what it feels like” all I could do is say my entire body hurts and I can’t move. For 21 days all I could say was I hurt. I was getting upset at my own body for not feeling better.
I had trouble standing up on my own. I had to have four nurses help me up so they could bathe me. I had to have nurses pull me up in bed when I wasn’t comfortable. I had to have nurses help me walk around the hallways. I had to have someone cut my food up into tiny pieces so I could eat. I had to have someone dress me. I had to have someone brush my teeth for me. I felt useless. I started to feel depressed again.
I was losing faith. Losing faith in myself, the doctors, and God. I was being a faithful servant to Him, serving and giving to the church. Heck, I was in the church musical and gave a lot of time to that performance, I thought the Lord would take it easy on me. Plus I already had cancer, so He wouldn’t let me have it again right? Well when the doctor broke the news of me having lung cancer I got mad again. Mad at God… why is this happening to me. I’ve been through enough in my short life time, I deserve a break. God… I deserve an easy life.
See the Bible doesn’t promise an easy life when we accept Jesus. It does say we will face storms and those storms are going to rock and shake you to your core… but the thing is the Bible does say we won’t face the storms alone. We have Jesus on the inside; the man who conquered sin and death. When He died on the cross He defeated sickness and disease. That means I can go to Him with my lung cancer and pray for healing for it to manifest and He can do it. It means that you can go to Him with a headache and He can do the same thing. It may look differently in different lives and different circumstances but its in the Bible so it is true. It is His character to heal.
Throughout the past 21 days of being in the hospital I was reminded of the story of when Jesus called Peter to walk on water during the storm and while Peter focused on Jesus he was able to walk on water, but once he took his eyes off of Jesus he began to sink. Peter was doing an amazing demonstration of faith by stepping out of the boat onto the water so Jesus gave him the ability to walk on water. Jesus promised him that he wouldn’t sink if he was to focus on Jesus.
So if we focus on Jesus during a storm, Jesus will hold us up. Jesus will be there to make sure we don’t sink and we don’t succumb to whatever storm we are facing. Jesus is good and He wants us to live a long healthy life. Focus on Him, and good things will follow. Health and strength will follow.